Green's Delivery Service
by Ratkinzluver33
Summary: In which Green unknowingly gets wined and dined, and Leaf's always up to something.


**Author's Note:** YO! I've been working on this on-and-off for a while, but finally, OP delivers!

The characterisation in this fandom is basically all fanon and headcanon, considering they have essentially no lines at all in the game. WHICH IS GREAT! Because it leaves everything up for interpretation! But it also means this fic is full of my own headcanons, which I'm sorry about. I only wish there could be more to work with, man!

I played fast and loose with the timeline. The trio are in their twenties, though there are mentions of Kalos technology, so it's, as a general rule, set in the present.

Enjoy!

* * *

"When's the last time you saw him?" Leaf says, hands on her hips, her lips intimidatingly pursed.

Green startles and looks up from his desk, displacing a few of Gramps' papers, which Leaf catches between two fingers. "A few days ago," he grumbles, not bothering to ask whom she means. "Could you not mess up my work?"

"A few days ago, hmm?" She nods, as if pleasantly surprised to find Green hasn't abandoned his friend, which would be insulting if Green actually gave a shit. She puts on her polite smile, the one Green knows is a total faux. "There's something I need you to give to him, if you'd be so kind."

"Can't you do it yourself?" he asks, tapping his pen absently away at his now meticulously rearranged paperwork. "I'm not free."

Leaf drops the polite pretence, but she's still smiling. By now, she knows him and what to expect when asking him for favours. Namely, assholery. "My Pokemon are too exhausted after my last battle to get me up Mount Silver, bro. You have Pidgeot."

"Fine," he agrees. He can barely spare a few hours from balancing gym work and work in his grandfather's lab, but whatever. Leaf wouldn't have dropped it anyway. "What is it you're giving him?"

"A care package," she says, simply. At Green's skeptical look, she cuts in, "From his mom."

"Oh, that explains it. I can't imagine you doing something like that." He gestures at her impatiently. "Well, hand it over. You brought it, didn't you?"

She drops it gently into his waiting hands. "Careful with it. She put a hell of a lot of time into making that. My ass was asleep by the time she finished, and I'd read, like, half an entire book."

"Don't get your panties in a twist," Green snaps. "I get it, it's sentimental, a symbol of motherly love, all that sapppy shit. I won't lay a hand on it."

"'Kay," she says, punctuating her sentence with a warning glance. "Tell Red I said hey!"

* * *

Mount Silver is freezing today, which is just his luck, and he's almost afraid Pidgeot's wings will ice over. Green gives the poor guy his scarf in sympathy, and cradles the care package close to his chest as they set off, protecting it from the harsh sleet.

He can tell it's neatly packed, even through the ridiculous hot pink, sparkly bag Red's mom has wrapped it in. It's still warm, in fact, and Green's envious of whatever home-cooked food his friend's going to be eating tonight. In all his adventures, he's never once had a care package delivered. It's unsurprising, since he doesn't have an overbearing mother to dote on him, and his own grandfather can't even remember his name half the time, but it stings harsher than the cold weather, and Green, like countless other times, finds himself wishing he was in Red's place.

Still, he owes it to Leaf to get the damn thing up this godforsaken mountain in one piece, and Red deserves a hot meal for having the balls to stay up here in the first place.

Pidgeot lands gracefully at the peak, setting Green down just outside the entrance to Red's cave. Green pats him on the head, takes back the scarf, and recalls him to the warmth of his Pokeball.

Sighing, he battles his way through the snow, calling for the idiot Champion over the wind. "Red, you asshole," Green cries. "Please tell me you're actually here after all I've just been through."

"Mmm," comes the reply.

Green steps into the cave, dripping wet, and artlessly hands Red the care package. "Here," he says, shivering. "It's from your mom."

"Oh?" Red questions, looking down at the bag. His eyes warm when he recognises her handiwork, and he carefully removes the contents.

Green should rightfully be making himself scarce and flying his ass right back down to the gym, but he can't say he's not really fucking curious about what he just risked his neck (and Pidgeot's neck) to protect.

There's a first aid kit, which is normal, a thermos of green tea that looks expensive as hell, and a bento with some rice balls and, oddly enough (though Red's never exactly been predictable), a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, which was basically all he ate when he visited Unova a few summers ago. He's hit with the sudden nostalgic longing for one. They're just not the same here in Kanto.

"PB&J?" he asks, incredulous. "Seriously?"

Red ignores this, and offers him half. When Green raises an eyebrow at him, Red simply shrugs. "You're hungry," he says, not even asking. "So, eat."

It smells delicious, so Green doesn't comment, and instead goes ahead and digs in. Not that he ever doubted, but Red's mom really knows how to cook.

He's not exactly the type for idle small talk, but the howling wind isn't a pleasant background, and it's not like Red's about to start a conversation, so he asks, "Anybody new up here recently?"

"Not since Gold," Red replies, which Green takes to mean, "Nobody worth a damn since that Capris-Wearing Egomaniac." Fair enough, too. It takes a metric shittonne of training before you can even come close to beating Red, he would know. Not that he's bitter or anything.

"Nobody with potential?" he presses.

"No," Red says, and he doesn't shrug, but Green can see it in his eyes.

"Damn," he sighs. Watching useless trainers struggle to beat him is getting old, and god knows they could use a little fun up here. "I'm probably why. Any trainers that lose in my gym are kicked on their ass before they can even think about climbing this heap of rock."

Red eyes him blankly, an expression Green knows from years of experience translates to, "No shit."

"Yeah, not like you'd want to fight those losers anyway," Green snorts, a little harshly. "Leave all the boring work to me, that's fine."

"Inexperienced trainers shouldn't challenge me," Red points out, as blunt and tactless as usual.

"Well, duh, it's called a challenge for a reason." Green shakes his head. "Just, with only Gold, that's pretty fucking underwhelming."

"I have you." Red doesn't even hesitate in saying this, just looks as if it's some kinda fact of life.

Green flushes at Red's careless honesty. He throws shit like this around all the time, and it's not like he's socially oblivious or something, Red knows exactly the effect he has on people. He didn't battle his way through the region for nothing, the guy's probably the most dangerously sharp trainer Green's ever met, and he uses his wit like a weapon.

"Yeah," he gets out, with hardly any pause. Red probably notices anyway, but he keeps his usual quiet and goes back to the food.

They sit in silence for the rest of the meal, and if Green hugs Red extra tight as he says goodbye, nobody has to know.

* * *

"So, how'd it go?" Leaf demands, when Green gets back to the warm, cozy confines of Viridian Gym.

"Fine," Green says tersely.

Leaf looks dubious. "You didn't fuck anything up, did you?"

"Jesus, Leaf, it's not like the whole mountain came down. Red was his usual talkative self, and I kept the snark to a minimum. It went fine."

"Defensive much?" Leaf smirks. "Relax, I was just making sure, bro."

"Real reassuring."

Leaf gives him a mysterious look, before smiling to herself and walking away. Green sinks, like a puppet with cut strings, back into his chair. She's planning something again, and he can't say he's looking forward to it.

* * *

"You think you could make this a regular thing?" Leaf's wearing this little half-smile that makes Green immediately suspicious.

"You're asking me to be your delivery service?" he snaps. "Really?"

"Yep. I was thinking it could come in handy, y'know, and Red's mom will be glad to be cooking for two again, I'm sure of it."

Green considers her for a moment. This obviously has something to do with _The Plan,_ but he can't see the downside to delivering Red food other than the harsh conditions on Mount Silver. Plus, if he says no, Leaf will be unbearable for weeks, and he doesn't need the extra stress of being a shitty friend on top of all the work he has to do now that he's in line to take over his grandfather's position.

"Fine," he agrees, reluctant. "But only when I have free time. There's no way in hell I'm jeopordising my entire career to-"

"Yeah, yeah," she dismisses. "You're a busy man, and all that. I didn't mean for it to be some kinda full-time commitment, jeeze."

"Yeah, glad we got that covered." He sighs and snuggles deeper into his lab coat like Blastoise in his shell. "We done?"

"Oh, is class dismissed now? I'll just be going then, _Professor Oak._ " Leaf waves, turns on her heel, and laughs all the way down the corridor.

How is he friends with these people?

* * *

Pidgeot shakes his feathers in preparation for the biting wind, puffing up like a cotton ball, as Green finishes tying his scarf. He chirps in complaint for the fifth time, and Green gives him a sympathetic pat on the wing. "This sucks. Christ, I'll need to buy more scarves from Morty at this rate." Pidgeot squawks. He, too, is annoyed at the prospect of another long journey. "I can't believe I agreed to this," Green complains.

His Pokemon nods vigorously, and he clambers on, ready to fly.

The weather is no more tolerable than usual, but at least it hasn't worsened. He's not the spiritual type, but it feels like a good sign. And, anyway, he doesn't have to melt frost off Pidgeot's wings for once, so it can't be too bad.

When he lands on the mountain peak, he notices Red's cleared a path to the cave through the snow. Damn straight, too, that he should be getting luxury treatment, if Red's insisting on having a personal delivery service. Still, it's a nice gesture from the guy who couldn't give less of a shit about manners. Must be a decade of friendship finally paying off.

He trudges along, grumbling into his scarf about the cold, and ducks into the cave. Red's got a little fire going, no doubt thanks to Charizard, and is warming the tips of his exposed fingers over the flames. Man has no sense of fashion. He honestly doesn't even change his gloves with the seasons.

"Ever thought about buying mittens?" he calls.

Red looks up and raises an eyebrow. "I don't need them."

"Don't you?" Green pointedly eyes the situation going on with the fire and Red's likely blue-tinged hands.

"It's colder than usual this month," Red tells him simply. "It doesn't usually come to this."

"I know you have a self-preservation instinct in there somewhere, Champion Boy."

"Extra gloves aren't necessary," Red says dryly, but he's smiling a little. "Plus, if I needed them, I'd ask you to bring them for me." At this, he shoots a glance to the care package Green's got tucked away in his arms.

"Alright, smartass," Green concedes. After all, he can't go back on his word now. Leaf would give him the evil eye, and Red would probably hire someone annoying like Gold to do the job instead.

He dumps the package into Red's waiting hands and watches as he gracefully unwraps it, even with fingers still numb from cold.

There's another first aid kit, some more tea and rice balls, and a few homemade sweets this time. Green can appreciate the thoughtfulness of the service. Red's mom has everything down, apparently. If only Gramps gave him this kinda stuff.

Red quirks a small smile at the sweets. "Long time since I've had these," he clarifies. Green nods, even though he perfectly understands wanting a little comfort from home.

"You gonna eat all those?" Green asks. They look good. And if Red's willing...

Red chucks him one and laughs. "You're not subtle."

"Can be when I wanna be," he says petulantly.

"You wouldn't have gotten this far if you couldn't," Red says casually.

He does that. Says flattering things as if they're just normal conversation. When he was younger, it had just stroked Green's ego, been something he'd taken for granted. Now, he privately enjoys it, since it ain't like he's about to get it from Gramps. Red probably doesn't care either way, though. He'd looked at Leaf like she was crazy when she'd suggested he stop "giving Green an even bigger damn head." Apparently, it's lying to conceal "simple facts of life."

"You're fuckin' nuts, you know that?" Green says. It's not really a thank you, but Red's known him for long enough to understand what he really means.

"Oh, definitely," Red says, and grins. "We all are."

"Yeah, what sorta ten-year-olds were we to decide to go out and make a name for ourselves in one of the most dangerous professions around?"

"Exactly." Red smiles. "Wouldn't regret it for a second."

"Me either, man. Me either."

* * *

Leaf gives him a very approving look when he gets back. He's not even surprised at this point, but it does make him fight the urge to stick his tongue out at her like he's a kid again. He gives in after five minutes of her pleased glances.

"Would you stop that?" he says, after his tongue is safely back in the dignified confines of his mouth.

"Stop what?" Leaf says innocently. At Green's glare, she laughs and continues, "Relax. I'm just glad you two get to talk more often now. I get it's not the same on the Holo Caster, so."

"It's more than that, dude, don't lie," Green says waspishly.

"Is not." Leaf's grinning, though, so Green knows he's right. She's totally up to something.

"Whatever," he says. Leaf grins harder.

"So, next week?"

Green stares at her blankly.

"Awesome! I'll be sure to let Red know, since you're 'far too busy' to call him yourself and everything."

* * *

"I think Leaf's up to something," Green tells Red, who's masterfully roasting marshmallows over their little campfire.

Red chews a marshmallow thoughtfully. "She usually is."

"Yeah, but I think this involves me, somehow." Green gnaws on his lip. "She keeps sending me up here."

"You wouldn't come if you didn't want to," Red reminds him.

"Yeah, I know, but I mean, she likes it when I come up here. Does she wanna get rid of me or what?"

Red shrugs. "Maybe she wants us to spend more time together."

"Dude, it's not like we're drifting apart. You're not free of me yet, y'know."

"Of course not," Red assures him. "Does she never offer to join you?"

"No, never." Green frowns. "Which makes no sense."

"Why don't you just ask her?"

Green snorts, and then quiets when he realises Red's serious. "That's just the sorta thing you'd say," Green grouses. "I can't ask her. That'd be admitting defeat."

"It's not a game," Red says, confusion colouring his habitual monotone.

"Yeah, it is." Green waves his hands dramatically. "She's planning something, and I gotta figure out what."

"Go ask her, Green," Red sighs, then shakes his head fondly. "Save yourself some time. Honestly."

"She can't know I know!" Green protests, and Red laughs.

Green always loves hearing him laugh, not that he'd ever admit it.

When he's finished laughing, Red levels a smirk at him and waits. "Christ, okay, I'll ask," Green groans.

"Tell me what she says." Red tries to school his expression back to calculated indifference, but there's still a hint of a grin there. Nosy bastard.

* * *

"Leaf," Green announces haughtily. "I've caught on to your schemes."

"Oh no, you've finally figured out I'm a supervillain," she says dryly. "What schemes?"

There's a lengthy and embarrassing silence. "I don't know," Green admits. "But they exist, okay? Don't lie. You're up to something."

"Okay, I'm up to something," Leaf concedes.

"Yeah, like what?"

"I asked Red's mom to give me the care packages, so you'd deliver them," Leaf tells him. "She was gonna do it herself, but I saw an opportunity and went for it."

"An opportunity?"

"For you two to spend more time together alone. Without challengers." Leaf shrugs. "And it's cold this time of year, so there aren't as many sorry dumbasses climbing that godforsaken mountain."

"Uh, why?" Green sighs, knowing he's about to get sappy. "Not that I don't appreciate it, Leaf. It really means a lot."

"So you'd realise your latent homosexual feelings for each other. Why else?" Leaf deadpans. "'Cause I thought you two could use it. Your jobs take up a lot of time, so. I thought I'd try and give you two a break, dude. God knows you deserve it."

"Well, thanks," Green says.

"No probs." Leaf waves him off. "Now go back to your delivery services. Red's mom packed mochi this time."

* * *

"And then she said, 'So you'd realise your latent homosexual feelings for each other'," Green finishes with a snort. "She was joking, of course. She just wanted to give us a break, which was pretty thoughtful, actually. And a relief, compared to her usual pranks."

"Latent homosexual feelings," Red says.

"Our legendary bromance," Green clarifies. "Or so they say. I dunno. The girls back at the gym whisper about it sometimes."

"Interesting," Red says seriously. He looks between them both and hums. "I see where they're coming from. From an outsider's perspective, this does appear very romantic."

Green blinks. "Uh, yeah, right." He coughs, even though the cold hasn't reached his lungs yet. "Anyway, you gonna finish that mochi?"

Red eyes him wryly. "Are you ever going to stop stealing my food?"

"No. Now give it here, c'mon. I'm starved."

* * *

"Leaf," Green hedges at their weekly lunch meetup. "Does everybody at the gym think I'm gay for Red?"

Leaf puts down her sandwich. "You gonna need to sit down for this? 'Cause, yeah, everybody thinks you're gay. Or at least bi. Definitely not straight, I can safely inform you."

Green takes solace in his bubble tea. "I don't need to sit down. I'm not homophobic," he says defensively. "Just sexually confused. This is all your fault."

"How is it my fault?" Leaf rolls her eyes and chucks a lettuce leaf at him as retribution.

"You said me and Red had latent homosexual feelings for each other."

"Okay, yeah, I did." Leaf shrugs. "Whatever, you're practically married anyway."

"We are not!"

Leaf bites into her sandwich aggressively. "Are so."

Green looks down into his tea and stirs the tapioca at the bottom dejectedly. "Okay, fine, we kinda are. What do I do now?"

"Go get laid?" Leaf offers. "Do what married people do. Go rent an apartment together and then fight over the way you're supposed to arrange the spoons or what colour toothbrush you want, I don't know."

"Red is happy living in a cave," Green tells her blankly.

"Maybe it won't be your average picture of domesticity." She grins. "Fight over the decorative rock formations, or the stalactites or whatever."

"You're a great help, Leaf, thanks. You should think about getting a career in marriage counseling."

"Telling people to go get laid and fight over rocks is always helpful," she says, and continues eating her sandwich.

* * *

"Red, we've been having dinner together a lot recently," Green begins.

"I'm glad to see you haven't completely lost your grip on reality, Green." Red smiles at him warmly, the absolute dick.

"Okay, wiseass," Green says. "See if I ask you on a date again." Thankfully, it comes out teasing. Enough to mask the sincerity behind the words.

"Apparently we're already dating," Red says. "Leaf says I've been wining and dining you these past few weeks."

"Is that what this is?" Green gestures to the food laid out before them. "Wining and dining? Your mom's home-cooked meals in a cave?"

"Doesn't stop you from stealing half," Red points out.

"Shit's good," Green defends. "Your mom knows how to cook. Plus, she makes way more than enough for two. No way you can eat all this."

"Keep telling yourself that, Green."

Green gives him a playful shove, and spends the ensuing silence eating in contemplation.

"Do you mind?" he says eventually.

Red raises an eyebrow. "Mind what?"

"That everyone thinks we're dating," Green clarifies. "Might stop you from actually getting laid."

"Don't know about that," Red says. "Is the rumour that popular?"

"Um, yeah," Green hedges, but Red doesn't seem bothered, and gives a faint nod.

"I don't mind," Red offers. "It's fine."

Green fidgets a moment. It's now or never, but he can't bring himself to do more than open and close his mouth a few times. Red turns to look at him expectantly, but he's too busy sinking deeper into his scarf.

"What is it, Green?"

"How do you feel about going on an actual date?" Green says. "Like, for real."

"Okay," Red says simply. "Not that our past dates haven't been for real."

"They have? Wait, past dates?"

"Well, they seemed like dates to me." Red shrugs, the gesture overly-exaggerated, and Green watches him battle a joking smirk.

"You're a dick," Green informs him.

"No more than you." Red grins, full-on and blinding. Green rarely sees him smile like this.

"That's us, the two dicks." Green snorts.

"A match made in heaven."

"Oh, yeah, we're real angels," Green says, takes a look at the emptied half of his bento, and steals a bite straight out of Red's.

* * *

 _FIN._


End file.
